Thou Shalt Love

In the wake of mass tragedy, such as the church shooting in Texas, the bike path attack in New York, or the concert shooting in Las Vegas, it's natural to ask, "What can we do?  How can we stop this from happening in the future?"

Like others, I wonder.  I wonder what options we as a society have to intervene before these atrocities are committed.  I wonder how we identify sources of likely threat and how we can effect change.

Some will call for stricter laws.  While I respect the role of government, I'm not sure how effective legislation is going to be at addressing the issue.  I believe the seeming increase in mass violence in the US has roots much deeper than we may see.

I've had much opportunity lately to reflect on the effects of early brain trauma on children.  I'm parenting children whose brains have been damaged by early chaos and loss.  It's a struggle to teach them they are safe and loved.  It's a struggle to help them learn to accept love.  It's a struggle to help them bond.  It's a struggle to teach them to respect authority.  (This is not to say that my children don't bring plenty of joy.  I count myself blessed every day to be their Mom.)

Given what my children have experienced and the hardship and ongoing pain those experiences have caused, I can't help but mourn for those who never have an opportunity to heal.  I hurt for the children who remain in chaotic, dangerous environments and whose parents never resolve their own issues enough to give their kids the security they need.  I think of those bouncing from foster home to foster home or blowing out of adoptive placements because they just can't bond. 

The number of kids dealing with huge early trauma seems to be increasing.  I've heard from educators, in more than one state, who are seeing more and more troubled kids in the earliest grades.  Elementary teachers are spending great amounts of time trying to meet basic needs.  They find themselves in the role of counselor and teaching social and coping skills, as well as academics.

Child Welfare programs are overwhelmed with the number of kids coming into care.  In multiple states, the word "crisis" is being used to describe Child Welfare systems.  Parental drug abuse continues to exact a toll on families.

I don't know how we "fix" this.  There are no laws we can make that will cause the problems to go away.  Parental love and healthy attachment cannot be legislated.  Brokenness cannot be legislatively undone.

I'm not an expert.  I don't know if making steps to help children and families heal will potentially head off future tragedies, but I believe it will.

There are small steps we all can take today:

Pray: We must pray for our families, our friends, our neighbors, and our communities.  We must pray for wisdom to identify needs, and the grace and courage to meet them.

Teach: We can invest time in our own families and teach our children how to show love and respect, even to those who are hard to love.

Get educated: Learn about how childhood trauma and neglect affect the brain.  If there are adoptive parents in your church, pray for them, learn about what they're dealing with, listen with an open mind, be slow to give advice.  Ask them how best you can love them and love their children.

Look around: Who in your circle of acquaintance can you reach out to?  Hurting people often don't know how to ask for help.  Be respectful in your approach and be respectful of their wishes, but be willing to be a friend. 

Child abuse and neglect are nothing new, but I believe there is an increasing trend toward isolation.  We're all overworked, overwhelmed, over-busy.  I've noticed a subtle social pressure to fill the kids' schedule with activities, rushing from place to place, staying busy but spending less time investing in deep relationships.

We need those relationships.  We're created for connection.

Sometimes, it takes just one interested, caring individual to make a difference.  Reaching out and being kind may not be enough to reverse a trend, but every act of love is a step in the right direction.